When "Lazy" Isn't Lazy: The Childhood Messages That Follow Us Into Adulthood

I remember being called "lazy" a lot as a kid.

I even remember my dad telling my husband, when they first met, "She's lazy."

Years later, after opening my own private psychotherapy practice, I called my dad feeling proud and excited to share the news. His response?

"You've never worked a day in your life."

It's funny in a way... because there are now quite a few fancy papers hanging on my office wall. Degrees. Certifications. Years of education and specialized training. 😂🤷‍♀️

But those words didn't disappear simply because my accomplishments grew.

When we hear something often enough as children, it can become the voice in our own heads.

We stop hearing it from others.

We start saying it to ourselves.

So we work harder.

We collect the credentials.

We overachieve.

We say yes when we want to say no.

We keep proving ourselves... hoping that maybe this time we'll finally feel like enough.

And then, when it's time to rest, guilt shows up.

Because somewhere deep inside, rest still feels like laziness.

Sometimes "Laziness" Isn't the Whole Story

As both a therapist and someone who is neurodivergent, I've come to appreciate how often the word lazy oversimplifies what's really happening.

For me, my brain doesn't always work in a straight line.

Some days I can accomplish what feels like a week's worth of work in just a few hours. Other days I can sit in front of the very same task, desperately wanting to begin, yet feeling completely stuck.

When perfectionism joins the conversation, it becomes even more complicated.

What looks like procrastination from the outside may actually be a nervous system caught between fear, overwhelm, uncertainty, and the pressure to get everything exactly right.

That isn't laziness.

It's a protective response.

Of course, everyone's experience is different. There are many reasons people may struggle with motivation or task initiation, and it's important not to assume there's one explanation for everyone. But I think we often underestimate how much our nervous systems—and the messages we've internalized—shape our behaviour.

Burnout Isn't Always About Doing Too Much

One of the biggest lessons I've learned is that burnout isn't always the result of having too much on our plate.

Sometimes burnout comes from spending years trying to prove something that was never true in the first place.

Trying to prove you're worthy.

Trying to prove you're capable.

Trying to prove you're enough.

Trying to prove you're not the label someone gave you years ago.

That kind of emotional labour is exhausting.

Changing the Story

Healing hasn't meant pretending those memories never happened.

It's meant noticing when those old stories show up and gently asking myself:

"Is this really my voice... or someone else's?"

Through my own therapy—including EMDR—those childhood memories no longer carry the emotional weight they once did.

Instead of hearing, "You're lazy," I'm much more likely to hear a different message now:

"You deserve rest."

That shift didn't happen overnight.

It happened through healing.

Maybe It Was Never Laziness

Maybe someone convinced you that you were lazy.

Maybe what you really were...

...overwhelmed.

...misunderstood.

...unsupported.

...neurodivergent.

...living with anxiety.

...coping with trauma.

...trying to survive circumstances no child should have had to navigate.

There is a difference.

And sometimes discovering that difference changes everything.

Our worth has never been measured by our productivity.

Rest is not something we earn.

It is something every human being deserves.

~Miranda Arellano, RP

EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Approved Consultant

If you are looking for support to navigate your experiences, reach out for a free consultation today. Call 705-980-0777 or email info@healingconnectionstherapy.ca

This post reflects my own lived experience and personal reflections. While similar themes may resonate with others, everyone's story is unique. If these experiences bring up difficult emotions for you, connecting with a qualified mental health professional may help you explore them in a safe and supportive way.